


Customer Service and Kumquats

by Inowbre



Series: The mad science wizard and the crazy alchemist [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Kumquats - Freeform, Mad Science, Mad Scientists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:41:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26415088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inowbre/pseuds/Inowbre
Summary: All Raphael wants is a way to remove the stain from his employers carpet. To be fair, he does get it. Eventually.
Series: The mad science wizard and the crazy alchemist [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1842010
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	Customer Service and Kumquats

**Author's Note:**

> As with all these stories, I am posting them for a friend who is unable to post them himself at his request. Please enjoy!

Raphael paused at the entrance to the small shop. He stared at the sign above the door in some confusion, which was eased a bit by the realization that there were two signs, not one, right next to each other. Of course, that only helped a little. He'd never seen a pair of signs like it for a single establishment.

On the left, the sign read 'Albrecht's Wizarding Lab- Magical Solutions as You Wait.' Below that was 'Dezzie's Fine Potions- Fix What Ails You'. The right sign was identical except that 'Dezzie's Fine Potions' was above the other line. Both of them had the same quality of writing and materials. Why the hell would you make two signs that said exactly the same thing, then stick them side by side?

He shrugged after a moment and opened the red door. And then promptly ducked as a shotgun bore swung in line with his head. He dropped on the floor with his hands raised, regretting the errand that had led him to this place. Fixing the color of a stained carpet wasn't worth getting shot in the face, even if it did belong to a noble family and cost three times his annual salary.

"Don't shoot me!" he shouted.

"Huh?" a thin, reedy voice answered. Raphael looked up to see a trembling wizened man holding the shotgun, staring at him through the thickest pair of glasses he'd ever seen. Ones that were, for some reason, dyed red. The man wore the uniform of a cashier, thready clothes with an apron, and for some reason had a pith helmet pulled down low over his eyes. Despite his tremors, the shotgun was held with uncanny stability. "Oh my God, it's a customer! Um. Well. Shit. Uh. Welcome?"

The thin cashier turned his head sideways and said in a barely lower voice, "I thought you were going to flip the sign to Closed, Gerald!" Raphael heard a low growl. "Don't give me that, you and I both know you can reach the sign even from down there." Another growl. "What do you mean they didn't put up the sign? Hang on." He cleared his throat. "Um, sorry to bother you down there by the entrance, but is there a sign on the door?"

Raphael turned and saw a blank window set in the wood. "No?" he said, unsure if that was the right answer. Good God he needed a cigarette now.

"God above. Well now you're in here with them. And us. Um. Might as well make your way to the counter. Just... be careful of any wandering fruit."

*Wandering fruit?* Raphael slowly stood and made his way through a bizarre arrangement of potions, books, scrolls and other artifacts. There was a clear line between the door and the desk that was the center point of the room, but it was a strange layout regardless. The cashier shifted the shotgun, but his eyes roamed the room behind the glasses. "Is... is this a bad time?"

"Is the door closed?"

"...why is that important?"

The cashier glanced over Raphael's shoulder. "It looks closed. Gerald, go make sure it's closed, would you?"

A squeaking came from the floor behind the desk, and an emaciated half-man dragged itself on a cart to the door. Raphael stared at it, then quickly covered his nose. The thing positively *reeked*.

"Um. Apologies for the smell. Gerald is usually better, but we've got a, uh. An infestation here. The perfume was Dezzie's idea. And amazingly that worked." The cashier paused and stared after the zombie. He nodded abruptly, shouldered the shotgun, and gave Raphael a worried smile. "I'm Keller. Welcome to our establishment! Uh. Do you know what you're here for?"

Raphael glanced around the shop and arched his eyebrows. It was filled with glass vials, mummified creatures and body parts, a handful of things that looked like clocks. Years as a butler had *not* prepared him for a place like this. "I thought I was."

"Oh thank God. We don't have to bother *them*. Hopefully." Keller jumped suddenly, aiming the shotgun at a shadow. "By the way, if you hear any odd sounds like something moving, I suggest not going near them. It won't end well."

"Rats?"

"Kumquats," Keller said with a shudder. "God, I miss when rats were the biggest problem. Reminds me, any interest in a ratter strawberry? They've become quite popular."

The butler blinked a few times. "I... beg your pardon?"

"Oh my yes! Cheaper than a good cat and feeds itself. And when it's done, you've got some delightful fruit to eat. The mistress is quite proud of them. I'd show you some, but they're..." Keller's eyes shifted strangely. "Busy."

"Um. No. I was here for-"

There was the sound of an explosion from behind the door that Keller stood in front of. Raphael flinched while the cashier spun with shotgun ready to fire. After a few moments, a woman's voice called out "Albrecht, why are you stealing my mercury?"

"I haven't touched the stuff!" a man replied.

"Well, obviously you did because that was supposed to go 'sploosh' not 'boom' and you never put things back where you found them!"

"Supposition and hogwash!"

The argument carried on. Keller relaxed a hair's breath. "Okay. Good. Nothing strange."

"An explosion is normal for around here?" Raphael asked.

"The roof is still intact. Always a good sign. Anyway. Oh, right, you were here for something. Did you have a previous order?"

"No..." Raphael said, drawing out the word. He was starting to wish he had. Whatever this place was, sane and safe were not words that qualified. "My mistress sent me to get something to pull dye out of a handmade Afghan."

Keller blinked a few times. "And she sent you here? That's... bizarrely mundane."

"My sister recommended this place. Said you did-" Raphael paused as the crackle of lightning burst from the back room. "Good. Work. Um. Are you sure I shouldn't come back later?"

The cashier sighed and pushed back his helmet to rub a temple. "It doesn't get any better. You get used to it after a while."

"You have my sympathies," the butler said.

"Thanks. Alright. I think we might have something in the back. I'll be right back. Um. Don't touch anything. And don't let anything touch you. Except Gerald. He's not too bad."

Raphael glanced down to see the little zombie staring up at him. The thing waved. Nervously, he waved back. Keller left the counter and headed through a locked door.

After a moment, Raphael decided to light up. He needed to calm his nerves, and he didn't see anything that ordered him not to smoke. The zombie kept watching him but just sat there. It was a strange thing. Little bit like a bizarre doll in some ways. After a few puffs on the tobacco, the butler started to feel better.

"So... have you been a zombie long?" he asked finally. The quiet was making him nervous.

Gerald shrugged and let out a weird growl. Then it started rolling away toward the back, going through what appeared to be a cat door of all things.

Raphael decided to wander the front of the shop. There were fruits, potions, strange clock pieces, and, bizarrely, a glass case so covered in signs saying 'DANGER' that it was impossible to tell what was inside the damn thing. The butler hesitantly tapped the glass and jumped away when he heard tapping back.

He looked up at the rafters and saw a few strange things like looked like kites and lightning rods. And then, in the shadows, he saw movement. "What the devil?"

Keller kicked open the door, holding a vial in one hand and a strange amulet in the other. His shotgun rested in a sling on his back. "Okay, I have options for you. Oh. Um. You might want to step away from the case, we're still not sure if that thing can melt its way out of it."

Raphael quickly walked over to join the cashier. "If you don't know, why is it on display?"

"Because if it got out in the lab things would be a lot worse." Keller started arranging what he held on the counter top. Raphael noticed a strawberry sitting casually on top of the pith helmet. It seemed to be... snoring? "Right. Okay. So, option one is from Mistress Dezzie, a simple potion that will strip out any fresh stains from a carpet. It works nine times out of ten."

"What happens the tenth time?"

"It strips all the dye out of the carpet. But then you just need to get it re-dyed, so it's quite efficient that way. Albrecht recommends this little beauty." Keller held up the amulet. "Her name is Fredina."

"I'm... what? Why is it named Fredina?"

Keller glanced back and forth between Fredina and Raphael. "Well, that's rude. Elementals are people too. Anyway, Fredina is a water elemental and you pour her out on the carpet and she inhabits the thing. Fredina's pretty fastidious about keeping things clean, so she'll make sure that it never stays dirty for long. Just make sure to water her every other week or she'll dry out and that won't end well."

The butler blinked a few times. "Do... I want to know?"

"Just follow the instructions and it'll be fine. Or. Um. Should be. They're written on the back. The potion is the cheaper option, but Fredina works better in the long run. Well. Supposedly. Twenty quid for the amulet, five for the potion."

Expensive, but less than replacing the carpet. "I... think I'll go for the amulet."

"Excellent choice, sir." Keller suddenly jerked like he'd been spooked and dropped the amulet. "Did you hear that?"

Raphael looked around the shop. "Hear what?"

The cashier grabbed his shotgun and started looking up at the ceiling. "I thought I heard... hm. Is Old Thom doing anything?"

"Who?"

"The strawberry."

"Um. No..."

"Kumquat!" Keller screamed. He swung the shotgun like a bat and slammed something out of the air. An outraged squeal filled Raphael's ears and the strawberry suddenly jumped off the helmet onto a small fruit that hit the ground. Keller ignored the confrontation and started shooting at the shadows up in the rafters.

Raphael dropped to the ground, hands over his head. His cigarette hit the ground, followed by a fruit that stomped it out. The little kumquat snarled at him, raising a needle like a spear. It charged, belting out a war cry that reminded him of an angry mouse.

Keller's shotgun bore dropped down on the fruit, enveloping it completely. The gun went off, the barrel twisted, and pieces of kumquat went everywhere. When the weapon was raised, there was a new hole in the floor. Old Thom, the strawberry, wandered over and began kicking the remains of the kumquat.

"Sorry about that. Um. Mistress' new experiment." Keller stared down at Raphael then looked back at the items on the counter. "So. Want the amulet in a bag?"

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all comments are passed on to the author for him to enjoy and answer. He loves comments, constructive criticism, and questions and we both hope you have enjoyed our mad scientists' antics. <3


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